Not just saying sorry

i can't really think of what to write. i'm explain better verbally, but due to some circumstances, i'm stuck with just typing away my thoughts here.

lately, i've been happily posting tapping my nearly broken keyboard for a few blog entries. little did i know that what i've written was going to cause unforseen effects. i didn't mean for that to happen, and i feel bad about that. although that "thing" might not be taken back, i promise to do my best to make up for the things i have caused. i am sorry for the idea, and pray that one of these days, i might atone for what i have carelessly written.

i don't know that to say anymore...

(edit this later)

The end of all things to come...

we'll see what happens...

will this be the end of me? fortunate if the end means a new beginning for me. hoping for a new something. i've had it with this sick, monotonous life of mine. it has been a routine, really. no more "spice", if you get what i mean.

this is the part where i usually clamor for a vacation at a remote place, probably at a beach, under coconut trees, feeling the ocean breeze gently caressing my face... (choir singing). or maybe swinging on a hammock, sharing it with someone special (wishful thinking is not a crime!), enjoying every second with each other... ok that's it. i've become delirious.

reason: i've slept for only a total of 9 hours for the past three days. big whoop! that's 9 ouf of 72. do the math, is that even normal? i think if i keep on going like this, i'll be a good candidate for the lead role in machinist 2. hahaha... ever seen that movie?

ok, back to the beach wish. i keep on thinking about that place where the movie "the beach" was filmed. it'd be nice if i could go there. it'd be even nice if someone would go with me hehehe... all expense paid trip, on me. ok here we go again. first of all, where in this green earth would i find the money (legally that is)? my job is sooo hard, and the compensation's not that great. at this rate, i'd be too old enough to enjoy the trip. there's no charge to hope... maybe i'll look inside pandora's box and see if it's still there.

I NEED A BREAK!

in two month's time, i'll be receiving a new set of leave credits from work. i'm hoping, hoping and crossing my fingers and toes that i can scrounge up enough green stuff to make this wish push through, no lamp rubbing action this time. down aladdin! i pray that i'll have somebody to spend it with too... tralalalala...

ok, that's it it for now i guess... now i'm wondering... what has the title have to do with the contents of this entry? must've been wasted sleepwise, i'm not even sure if this post makes some sense.

time for me to catch up on some much needed sleep. like i said, sleep brings relief for me. i'm looking forward to a new day, a new beginning, and a new chance in this swirling black hole of doom, also known as my life's depression. do i need anti depressants? maybe i'll swing by my company's doctor's clinic and have a nice looooong chat with her.

carpe noctem for now.

Dependence is sh*t...

i need a companion, someone who will always be there for me, yadda yadda. but the truth is, there is no such thing as a perfect "i'll always be by your side companion". it's only a figment of my deranged imagination. is it the hunger to be with somebody? to have somebody or to talk to somebody? i think one of these days, i'll get myself a robot. hmm...

reality check please!

it's pretty hard losing somebody that you've been with for quite some time. ok, let's make that a couple of years. ok, nearly four then. the hick part of the deal is, there's really no assurance that the person you are with will be there forever. that or i've stopped believing in that idea. boy, am i bitter. no one to blame but myself for this feeling. maybe i'll just say, shit happens, and yes, i really stepped on a big mound of it.

i'd honestly want to say that i am independent, but i'd be lying. ok, dependent on some stuff. but i really need a confidant, a true friend, someone i'd trust myself into. it's hard to find someone like that, and when i finally do, there'd be some thing or reason that'll take that person away from me. i've had experienced one too many of this already. now it seems i'm walking down that road again.

this might be a chance to develop MPD.

hehehe, that'd be nice. i'd also be labeled insane, naturally.

hmm i wonder what brought this on. maybe i'm just stressed out, and i'm running away from the problem. instead of solving it, i'm taking the easy way out. maybe one of these days, i'll come up with an answer to this.

i hate this feeling!

the ache in my heart is back again. can this be surgically removed?

ok, too much depression for this entry. i'm really pounding the keyboard disturbingly hard, maybe thinking this might take out the depression, turn it into aggression, and get myself a new keyboard. maybe this act of stupidity will cost me around 500 pesos.

i need to get my head cleared up. if only it were a hard drive, i'd swipe a magnet over it and presto! clean slate on my head.

carpe noctem for now, and may my dreams (wait i don't dream)... anyway...

Sleep brings relief...

another chapter of my so called professional existence is about to be opened: night shift... hmm, i wonder if i can omit the F in shift hehehe...

maybe i'll just gripe here later... or for the better part of this day... i don't know, maybe i'm slightly brain dead, or if not, my brain cells have been fried extra crispy...

it's been a frustrating week with a lot of revelations. even if i say to myself that i don't care or i'm not affected anymore about something, all those stuff eventually pile up on me will have their toll too. the question is, where will that be on, my health? my head or err... where else?

sleeping might be a temporary solution, although of course when i wake up, the problem will still be there, staring at me in the face. the sandman's powers are no much for reality, but then, i might pay good money just to enjoy that temporary relief.

dreaming would be nice too. unfortunately, it has been quite sometime since i had a dream. i wonder what's the cause of that. there's this mystical place where i could be happy for even a short while, and i'd wish that on my dreamland.

am i making sense?

maybe the noise of the rain on our roof is disturbing my way of thinking right now. that's it dude, blame it on mother nature. maybe i just can't think straight.

there's been a lot of what if's clogging my head these past couple of days. the kind of what if's that give me a headache when i have futile attempts to answer them.

maybe it's just time for me to sleep...

carpe noctem for now. (i'll edit this thought later)

Always the rebel...

what can i say? weell... actually a lot, but editing out the profanities and the likes, here it is:

i am a rebel, always swimming against the flow.

remember that saying, "only dead fish swim with the flow"? i for one, am not a dead, scaly and soon to be somebody's seafood dinner.

why? i don't easily conform to the ideals and ways of thinking of the "masses". what some find exciting, i might find boring, useless and the usual thought of "i'd be better off doing something or nothing at all". what's right or normal to other's do not appear quite the same to me.

i'm not exactly sure when this rebel heart in me got rooted into myself. but i can remember my mum telling me when i was a wee youngster, "always stay true to youself, think independently, and do not be easily swayed by your peers". yahoo! and say goodbye to peer pressure.

over the years, i've assimilated (been playing starcraft again haven't we?) into my circle a couple of like minded folks. we share the same ideals, about this rebel thing. this "inner circle" of mine, we have been a tightly knit group as i am proud to say. we always think when it comes to being rebels "why, do we really have to do this and that to please another person?", or "let them do it because they like it, but we don't have to follow them as well". hmmm i heard there's a radical religion group recruiting nowadays... hahaha just kidding.

holy, it's 10 in the morning and i'm blogging? awfully bored? nyahaha...

i haven't given much thought as to why i had this impulse to write about my inner rebellion. it must've been triggered by certain factors at work, especially that "attendance will be checked" crap over at some party. now somebody please tell me, why should attendance be checked? it's not a friggin working day, it's my day off for cryin' out loud. "if you won't attend, we'll do this and this and that'll happen", i've had enough of this since my college days. "the teacher's absent today so we won't have a class, please write you name here in the paper for the attendance". WTF? we don't have a class and you're checking attendance? please! we're all professionals here, can't you do something like convince people to attend with a good reason? WE are not in preschool and elementary anymore! geez, how can some people not see that. ok maybe some people got affected and scared by that threat hahaha... ok maybe, they are so called professionals, but with preschool attitudes? hahaha, kudos to you for entertaining my boring weekend then. suckers...

look mommy! they're suiting up and going to the prom for the very first time hahaha...

carpe noctem for now.

Lost in thought...

ahh, nothing to start a month with a blog entry for the "mentally disturbed".

i just took a few days off from blogging. realizing that this blog was simply conceived from extreme boredom, i have been neglecting it since, *ahem* i wasn't bored for quite some time now. well, not until now that is. so where did that "so called thing that kept me busy over the past few weeks" go?

maybe i just need a break... again?

hiatus mode for the blog... (who am i kidding?)

lately, i can't seem to get my thoughts together. is work really that toxic? am i turning green? or maybe there's another reason, and even though i know what or who that is, maybe i'm just too chicken to admit it to myself. i need a brain defrag!

put me to sleep evil angel...

carpe noctem